Surely Goodness, Surely Mercy

WORD DUMP AS THE LORD INTENDED THIS TUMBLR TO BE

I keep ruminating things I want to shout at Tim but not for the sake of friendship and not rock the boat more.

I don’t take back what I said, the way I said it, anything. I think I said it pretty amicably and respectfully, and to be honest I think I said what everyone else was feeling. Sometimes, its not fun playing Overwatch with you. Its actually gotten worse. You mald within the first five minutes of the first game and then its all downhill from there. When I play with you I’m always constantly on edge with your “HMMMMMM, WHATEVER” and passive aggressive comments. You constantly are like “I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO KILL THIS/HEAL THIS/DO THAT.” That very well may be so, but I think you can switch up your play style. Maybe you’re the one doing something wrong. You always point out when you have gold damage or gold healing and then point out when other people do badly. When I tried playing Brigette you were like “We lost because of healing”. When we were playing heals together and I played Ana, you touted your “49% healing” and implied how bad I was doing. What kind of friend is that? I rarely mention how well I did in a game or how badly someone else was playing, but you think it’s okay to take jabs at me passive aggressively? That makes me so angry. You shout at DDong saying his play style is bad, but when I say something as small as “Sometimes its not fun playing with you,” you rage quit like a little bitch and say “Well I’m not going to play anymore.” You can’t take what you CONSTANTLY dish out to others. Others just take it better than a bitch like you. 

When I tell someone to not backseat and you scream “CHILL, HE’S NOT BACKSEATING,” but when they do it to you you get so angry. How does that make any sense? You’re an absolute child. When we played without you, it was so much more fun. Maybe instead of lashing out and rage quitting when I say something as small as “Sometimes its not fun to play with you,” you reflect on why. At least David has some sense as to why he can be annoying in competitive games. You’re just oblivious. You are not faultless. I may suck at Overwatch (which I don’t think I do), but playing with you is like playing solo queue where someone goes “DPS DO BETTER”, “I HAVE MORE HEALING LOL”, “YOU SUCK QUIT THE GAME”. I don’t want to play with you anymore. 

never again, never again, never again. 

IM BACK BOIS, WE ALL THOUGHT IMMATURE ZOE WAS GONE BUT SHE IS ALIVE AND KICKING. THANK YOU JESUS FOR THE PERSONAL HELL.

Zoe’s Reflections of 2020

What a loaded title. It has been a year alright. But despite everything, for me it was not a bad year. I am continually improving myself and learning how to love myself. Next year I’ll probably look back and cringe at myself, but for now I am very happy with who I am now. I’m not perfect at all, but in a general sense, I don’t regret a lot of things. This year we’re going to split our reflection in to three parts:

I. PRE QUARANTINE

This year started off with a bang, with the 3G girls (sans Kathy) going out to Decades and partying it up. I had just come back from Hong Kong and was still floating on a vacation high. I hit the fitness ground running to prepare for my first Spartan Race! I was still hanging around the CCC people and going to Bible Study. I got ridiculously strong, but still was at around 124lbs. I beat Garrett at a squat contest by doing 100 squats with 95lbs (granted I didn’t go as far down as I should’ve). I met with the Chan couple and started giving them English lessons, and developed a relationship with them throughout this year. Mochi passed away and I experienced a death for a first time in a long time. It was really sad and I miss her lots. 3G went to Deep Creek together and we had a nice bonding in the hottub and just eating delicious wine and cheese together. 

February came around and I hosted my first wine and cheese party! It was super fun to plan and things came out so great! I tried weed for the first time on my birthday at Shiny’s place with Shiny and David and that was fun. I ate a crap ton of food and giggled lots. I met Kathy’s new man and then I experienced my first Spartan race, lighting the spark for a Spartan woman! Boy was that so fun training and executing my body. I managed to climb up the rope which was super lit because I’ve always wanted to do that as a kid. Then Mei-Ye sent that ridiculous message and I cut ties with Mei-Ye and Garrett. Pretty sad about that but idk, my pride was hurt and I felt like I was disrespected by them. So I probably won’t hang out with them again. I went to a DC United soccer game for the first time which was neat! 

I went home to spend time with my Mom for her birthday and also did the birthday bash for Vicki. Unfortunately I drank too fast and ate too little so I blacked out and probably puked over a lot of stuff (I don’t remember). I’m very thankful to Stephanie and Zong for taking care of me. I met Miso my buddy and we formed a great paring <3. 

II. QUARANTINE PHASE 1

This should go by relatively quick. Corona happened and we moved indoors for a long time. During then, I bonded with Miso, did a lot of video chats with 3G and the Breakfast Club. I watched a lot of comedy specials and Dave Chappelle. I started hanging out with CBS discord people a lot. I took walks to my work and back to maintain my exercise habits. We thought this pandemic would end in May (it didn’t.) I baked a lot, I went to a lot of stores in search for yeast. I planted a lot of things. I started doing hip thrusts to grow my booty. 

III QUARANTINE PHASE 2

Then the Black Lives Matter movement blew up with George Floyd. I got in an argument with Pearl that still has yet to really be resolved (not sure if it’ll ever go back to what it was :() I went on a lot of protests in D.C. I hung out with Janelle almost every weekend haha. I started and deleted a fitness blog. Vivien went to the hospital and that was scary. More protests throughout the summer. Went to the beach with 3G. Had a few video calls with Joe Salzano. Started thinking about real estate after discovering Graham Stephen. Went swimming in my pool a lot. Helped move Kathy’s stuff into a storage and jump start her car. I got into a car accident that totalled my car. That was a scary experience. Spent the next few months worrying about insurance, finding a car, the court case. Went on a date with Siyuan. Went to MLK’s March on Washington. Hung out with Janelle a whole lot again. Went to RBG’s funeral service. Hosted a cookout for my friends. Started watching Among Us videos, starting with Pewdiepie and ending with OfflineTV. Found a new obsession of OfflineTV and friends. Started watching twitch. Started playing Phasmophobia on Saturdays with Stephen. I started a twitch channel and realized that my laptop was trash! I built my first gaming PC. I bought a 3070 for myself and managed to grab a 3090 for Stephen. Hung out with Janelle lots more. I got affiliated with Twitch! Signed up to be a Poll Worker and the elections happened (Biden Won!) Bought my first Mechanical Laptop! Started playing A LOT of video games with Stephen, David, DDong, JT. Learned how to play Overwatch. 

And that was it! Despite everything that was going on, I thank God for the blessings he has given me this year and keeping my parents and I safe. I’m glad I have a job and beautiful healthy friends. I don’t know what 2021 holds but I pray that I’ll be able to continue to reflect Christ throughout all of the struggle. Onwards!

2021 Resolutions

God
Learning how to be a good friend to God (I know technically it’s a servant/God relationship but for my sanity I need to word it as ‘friend’). Learning to be in constant communication with him. Being by him even when everything else in the world is not ‘attacking’, but rather distracting me from him. Hopefully I can finish the Old Testament this year. 

Friendships
Continue to work on my patience, my anger, my love, my kindness. Developing further friendships with Kathy my future roommate, and 3G my ride or die-s. Being more patient to friends that are annoying af. Loving and serving without expecting anything in return. Being non-judgmental but also speaking truth into friend’s lives, without a ‘superior complex’. Knowing when to be silent and listen and when to speak. 

• I also want to work on encouragement cards for my freshmen from CBS for when they graduate!

Twitch
Finding my brand. I need to decide what I want to be on twitch. This goal might change after we come out of quarantine since I’m sure viewer count will decrease when people aren’t stuck at home. Working on my improv and conversation skills.

• 500 followers. It’s a pretty hefty goal, but it’s possible!
• 50 subs for highest sub month.
• 1k follows on instagram? from twitch?

Fitness
I would like to stay fit. Both diet and working out. Maybe branch out to things other than working out in the gym. Maybe a sport? Dragonboating? Tennis?

• 115lb by the end of 2021
• Half Marathon Spartan in June! (if quarantine permits)
• Running at least once a week (5+ miles) in the off season
• 10,000 steps!

Work 
Would be nice to get that mid-year salary adjustment. Maybe get a new project. Or a new job… who knows. 

Mental Health
I need to stop staring at my phone when I go to bed. I’m going to try to not look at a screen 30 minutes before going to bed/sleeping. I’ve been using a screen as a crutch to drown out my brain from my thoughts but I have to dial back in.

Crafts

• Learn how to make keycaps
• Maybe start a bullet journal?

2020 Resolutions Review

I can tell already that this year was not as successful as last year in terms of resolutions… I’m not mad at it though, the extenuating circumstances affected a lot of New Years resolutions I think.

Prayer/Devotionals/God

• I won’t set ‘read devotionals everyday’ like last year because I know I won’t follow it. I want to get through the Old Testament by the end of this year.
• I’ll bring my Bible with me to work and read it there when I get ready for work.
• I also want to work on my prayer life, to genuinely ask people what I can pray for and also be sure to tell them “I’ve been praying for you” to keep myself accountable
• I want to talk to God again like a friend. I think I’ve turned him off last year and now I would like to genuinely chip at these walls I’ve built up and let him in.

2020 Zoe: I think I did a lot of this in the first half of 2020. I was consistently praying to God on my way to work and spending time with him and reading. But when we started quarantining, I lost my daily morning walks for a bit and then I just stopped. I still have been praying for my family, my friends, and the world pretty consistently. But maybe I’ve made God into a void again, something to throw wishes into instead of a friend/God who answers? It’ll be a constant struggle I think. But It’s okay. God knows. I don’t have the bitterness against him and walls built, just need to work on dialing back to him. 

Personality Side

• I would like to embrace my ‘Season of Singleness’ (cringe) I want to genuinely be content in the relationships and friendships God has given me.
• I would like to stop bringing up/complaining about my singleness. Obviously I can’t turn off my want to not be single but this year I let myself complain to my friends way too much and that’s not the person I want to be.
• I would like to suppress my pride more. To practice humility and to put other’s needs before my own. To serve without expecting anything in return.
• I would also like to check my anger….be less of a butthole.

2020 Zoe: I think I was relatively successful with this one! Probably because I haven’t had as much social interaction in general, so the times where I do, I’m hyper focused to be kind. I definitely have stopped complaining about being single as much (even though it’s still a sore spot). I’ve developed a deeper friendship with Janelle. I’d like to think that I’ve suppressed my pride. It’s still in there roaring like a dragon, but I think I’ve wrestled the Pharisee in me a lot more. Anger has been pretty good except for those times I blew up at my coworker because he was being frustrating. But that’s a work-in-progress. 

Fitness Side

• Monday & Thursday: 2 miles
• Tuesday: 4 miles

2020 Zoe: Lol I’ve done WAYYYY more than this. Before I teetered off in Nov/Dec, I was running 8-12 miles a week. But after the Spartan races got canceled, I scaled back. I still worked out 4 times a week. I almost got to my goal weight of 115lb, but then holidays came around and I’m p sure I’m back to the weight I originally was at the beginning of 2020. But next year is another year. 

Creative Side

• I want to write a poem everyday! Doesn’t have to be long, doesn’t have to rhyme, can be a haiku/acrostic, anything! Just get the creative juices flowing.
• I want to continue my zero waste! I saved a lot of money, carbon emissions, and ate healthier so I would like to continue!

2020 Zoe: This did not happen. at all. hahahha. Especially in the pandemic, zero-waste went out the window. All the stuff I bought for my computer. 

Ambitious Side

• I would like to be promoted to Senior Analyst this year!

2020 Zoe: this happened! wooooooo!